Plan B is the new Plan A
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
