If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
