I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
