So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
