I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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