Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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