On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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