Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
