Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
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