Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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