I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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