I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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