I cannot find my penis.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
