It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just invented taco cereal.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
