We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
