So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Vodka?
Forever.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
