I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
