she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
