My Higher Power is John Stamos
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
