my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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