True but thats because hes a fetus.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
