did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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