I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Need sex. Gaining weight.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
