So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
