I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
