I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
