She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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