the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
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He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
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I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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