I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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