fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
