I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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