Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
