Michael Bay diarrhea
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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