My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
