I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
