Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
