i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I intend to get homeless drunk
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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