If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
