if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
