my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
