My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
