this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
