I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
