i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
