I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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