3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We won't sleep together?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
