Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
