theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
