And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
