i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
