he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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