why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
