Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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