I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
