I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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