she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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