So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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