dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
