I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go
You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf
They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
