guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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